Scattered & Scared & It’s OK

I haven’t dropped by for a few days because I let my fear set in.

The fear of being not good enough.

It’s always that one.

OK. I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve wanted to be so many things to impress other people and I think that’s how I grew up selecting my discipline. I decided I wanted to be a designer not only because I like to make things, but I thought it was so ‘cool’. Designers look so cool. The stuff in their head becomes tangible, it’s like magic. If I wasn’t so greedy for this type of success, I would’ve let my fear keep me away from that career. In this case, my greed overpowered my fear.

I don’t regret it but I am not recommending have lust so strong it dictates your actions. It wasn’t a sustainable plan of action, because now I am back to my basics of living a fear-driven life. My fear of not measuring up is CONSUMING my every thought, making me panic and unable to focus.

I try not to write so negatively or share too many negative thoughts because I’m afraid it will just give you negative energy.

But please know that I am taking actions to get out of that lifestyle/set of habits/pattern of thinking–whatever you call it.

Here are a few things I will be testing out in the next few week:

1. Saying bye to IG on my phone

I’m not sure if I am lying about this one yet, because some of the work I do requires IG. I also enjoy the interaction I have on this platform, but I am seeing more clearly how it fuels comparison in my mind. I begin to covet, but there’s gotta be a way to not do that…is there?

2. Dress up for the day

This is something I wanted to do for a long time and for a very particular reason, I’ve been feeling dam stupid about it. Thinking about it actually makes me anxious. It sounds ridiculous but I won’t be sharing my personal reasons with you on this one. I think it’s a combination of laziness and fear.

3. Do it because I feel like it

Ah, this one. I’ve struggled with this one all my life and I’m sure you do too. How often do we shut down a thought or action because we’re told it’s wrong. I’m not encouraging unethical behavior. That is off limits. I’m talking about not doing something because of how someone else might react.
For example, I didn’t study Korean out loud (it makes a huge difference in language learning), because I didn’t want people to think I wasn’t over my ex (he’s Korean). I didn’t want to look stupid, but I really enjoyed learning it. I’m happy to report I have gotten over that fear and my learning progress has improved immensely.
What I’d like to do is apply this attitude to design, YouTube and this blog (doing it right now! Writing this post ‘cuz I ‘felt like it). I’m sure life will be more and more exciting as I exercise this thing (can’t think of a word now).

Anywho, I am blanking out and can’t think of more. If I do, maybe I will update it here or on a new post.

How do you tackle the feeling of “not being good enough”?

I’ve Lost my Priorities

Photo by Jess Vide from Pexels

I had a realization today:

I have not achieved any of my goals, because I’ve made them someone else’s.

Here’s the sad truth, I’ve been wanting to move to China, because someone I know is there. It’s not the only reason why I want to move to China, but it has become the primary reason why I want to go. And when you have a reason like that, it’s the wrong reason to do anything.

I thought of everything I want to do and it came to light that I don’t do anything I truly want. I have always placed someone else first. Like that time I moved back to Hong Kong. I did it because I thought my ex was moving back to Asia. It wasn’t because I wanted to be close to him or get back with him, but I just wanted to make sure my chances were just as good as his.

Who am I kidding, I wanted to keep some sort of connection to him. (Note: I got over it).

OK. Let me back track my thoughts a bit. I think I was missing human connection because I have been feeling so alone, but all I do is think about myself. I don’t want to anymore. I just want to do my part in the world and not be a selfish, greedy, shallow person. Of course there are temptations in the world, but I want more to do good than fill my own cup up.

Here, for the rest of the week, let me dedicate myself to who I truly want to be for NOBODY ELSE other than me.

Anyone else feeling the same?

I will report back on Saturday. Tell me your story.