Scattered & Scared & It’s OK

I haven’t dropped by for a few days because I let my fear set in.

The fear of being not good enough.

It’s always that one.

OK. I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve wanted to be so many things to impress other people and I think that’s how I grew up selecting my discipline. I decided I wanted to be a designer not only because I like to make things, but I thought it was so ‘cool’. Designers look so cool. The stuff in their head becomes tangible, it’s like magic. If I wasn’t so greedy for this type of success, I would’ve let my fear keep me away from that career. In this case, my greed overpowered my fear.

I don’t regret it but I am not recommending have lust so strong it dictates your actions. It wasn’t a sustainable plan of action, because now I am back to my basics of living a fear-driven life. My fear of not measuring up is CONSUMING my every thought, making me panic and unable to focus.

I try not to write so negatively or share too many negative thoughts because I’m afraid it will just give you negative energy.

But please know that I am taking actions to get out of that lifestyle/set of habits/pattern of thinking–whatever you call it.

Here are a few things I will be testing out in the next few week:

1. Saying bye to IG on my phone

I’m not sure if I am lying about this one yet, because some of the work I do requires IG. I also enjoy the interaction I have on this platform, but I am seeing more clearly how it fuels comparison in my mind. I begin to covet, but there’s gotta be a way to not do that…is there?

2. Dress up for the day

This is something I wanted to do for a long time and for a very particular reason, I’ve been feeling dam stupid about it. Thinking about it actually makes me anxious. It sounds ridiculous but I won’t be sharing my personal reasons with you on this one. I think it’s a combination of laziness and fear.

3. Do it because I feel like it

Ah, this one. I’ve struggled with this one all my life and I’m sure you do too. How often do we shut down a thought or action because we’re told it’s wrong. I’m not encouraging unethical behavior. That is off limits. I’m talking about not doing something because of how someone else might react.
For example, I didn’t study Korean out loud (it makes a huge difference in language learning), because I didn’t want people to think I wasn’t over my ex (he’s Korean). I didn’t want to look stupid, but I really enjoyed learning it. I’m happy to report I have gotten over that fear and my learning progress has improved immensely.
What I’d like to do is apply this attitude to design, YouTube and this blog (doing it right now! Writing this post ‘cuz I ‘felt like it). I’m sure life will be more and more exciting as I exercise this thing (can’t think of a word now).

Anywho, I am blanking out and can’t think of more. If I do, maybe I will update it here or on a new post.

How do you tackle the feeling of “not being good enough”?

No luck today

I started this morning with quite a lot of enthusiasm. I thought I was going to finish everything on my to do list. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Enter

I spent all day working on one task. I ended up neglecting my creative task – something that gives me life. I keep placing other people’s tasks before my joys and it is beginning to drain me.

But. I believe things will change. I started reading about Stoicism. It’s actually very similar to Ecclesiastes and much more in the Bible ( I’m thinking parts of Proverbs).

I’ve been asking myself why I care so much about other people’s opinion. I know the truth. I have a fear of being unloved. Most people want to feel like they belong. I am afraid I don’t, so I act fake all the time because I think other people want me to be that certain way. I can’t live that way anymore. I’m ready for a change.

It didn’t go so well today but as a start, I didn’t get angry at myself for being consumed by another task. It’s just life. I’m going to start my day by making something. I’m kind of excited.

I also hope my writing gets better. Ever since I got into design, I have found it difficult to express myself through words.

This Book Made me Reflect on 2020

I know 2020 hasn’t ended yet, but so much has already happened.

I was on a mission to clean my wardrobe, allotting 3 hours to the task when I decided to listen to the audiobook of Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom.

A little bit of context: I had been reading positivity quotes, productivity books and hustle material for a while at this point. Reading Tuesdays with Morrie gave me a “fresher” perspective on life. Self-care, self-development, selfie–all about the “self.

I thought it was a fictional book, but instead, it made me think. There was no hustle “bro talk”, positivity quotes or mind-boggling questions. Instead, it made me think about how I treat others, how I treat myself, my character and putting good into the world.

Tuesdays with Morrie with encouraged me to take a look at my purpose. It talks of compassion too. That one really hit hard because Morrie said (something like this) that if we all had compassion, then there’d be no judgement–racism, sexism, prejudice etc. That’s all the problems that have surfaced thus far in 2020.

If you’re in need of reflecting without the pressure of “self-development” and want to put good into the world, then this book is for you. There’s also a movie on the book too. I don’t think I’ll watch it though.

I didn’t write a summary but here’s Spark Notes if you want to get a gist of what this book is about.

I suppose this is your 2020 hindsight prompt.