No luck today

I started this morning with quite a lot of enthusiasm. I thought I was going to finish everything on my to do list. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Enter

I spent all day working on one task. I ended up neglecting my creative task – something that gives me life. I keep placing other people’s tasks before my joys and it is beginning to drain me.

But. I believe things will change. I started reading about Stoicism. It’s actually very similar to Ecclesiastes and much more in the Bible ( I’m thinking parts of Proverbs).

I’ve been asking myself why I care so much about other people’s opinion. I know the truth. I have a fear of being unloved. Most people want to feel like they belong. I am afraid I don’t, so I act fake all the time because I think other people want me to be that certain way. I can’t live that way anymore. I’m ready for a change.

It didn’t go so well today but as a start, I didn’t get angry at myself for being consumed by another task. It’s just life. I’m going to start my day by making something. I’m kind of excited.

I also hope my writing gets better. Ever since I got into design, I have found it difficult to express myself through words.

Creating is My Energy

I woke up this morning feeling awful. Very awful. I felt hopeless, lost, and useless. These are very dangerous feelings to feel. I think you have experienced them too.

It completely paralyzed me today. I couldn’t get anything on my to-do list done. I staggered. I tried to do ‘things’. It felt like a day wasted.

It wasn’t until later afternoon, around 3pm or 4pm when the breeze kept brushing against my face like a pick-me-up saying, “move, move” did I get to work.

I grabbed my jewelry making tools and committed to one of my ideas. I made one pair of earrings for my shop, pictured above. In the midst of creating, I found my energy.

I know I love to make things. As a scraggy little kid, all I wanted to do was make arts and crafts, build Lego and complete my puzzles. It was exciting to watch something come to life, by my own hands. As I got older, I diverged into memorizing text, information, things I didn’t care much about. It made education a pain and I swore to never to go back to school.

It wasn’t until I decided to pick up a sewing class that I realized I had to create. I’ve created many things over the years. From YouTube videos, fashion items, furniture and businesses, but I never stuck to one long enough to make it into something.

I’m trying again today. To stick to jewelry. To commit to this blog. I really want to get back on YouTube. I really want to share my thoughts.

From my painful years after college to being in a condescending relationship, creating always gave me the comfort I needed.

I will be accountable for myself this time around. I don’t want to give up, because I don’t want to turn back.

If you ever feel pain in your heart, please DM me on Instagram @sy.dor. I understand how lonely it can be when there is no one to talk to near you.

Stop Being Afraid

I’ve been watching a Chinese drama called Nothing but Thirty (三十而已) and recently, I watched one episode where the character says the something like the following:

When we’re little, people around us tell is to be brave, to get back up and walk, or get back on the bike and keep pedalling until you succeed. You learn to be brave and not be afraid of failure. As you get older, in a turn of events, people tell you not to take those risks. They say, “don’t do it, the cost of failure is too great” or “you’re going to get hurt and it’s not worth it”. And with that, years of courage is tossed away.

That hit me hard.

I reflected on how I lost my courage and let fear dictate my every action and thought. I’ve become afraid of being me. I’ve become afraid of trying. Worse of all, I’ve become afraid of living.

So this very moment, I dedicate myself to not being afraid. I want my childhood mindset back, where it was all about problem solving, learning, and exploring. I’m not afraid to fall of my bike.

I am working on something new and I have been afraid on how to transition into it, but I am ready. I am done calculating all the risks, the right moves, the right way to not fail.

I promise to do it everyday and share it with you.

Thanks for reading.

And.

Check out the drama too if you’re into life lessons!