No luck today

I started this morning with quite a lot of enthusiasm. I thought I was going to finish everything on my to do list. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Enter

I spent all day working on one task. I ended up neglecting my creative task – something that gives me life. I keep placing other people’s tasks before my joys and it is beginning to drain me.

But. I believe things will change. I started reading about Stoicism. It’s actually very similar to Ecclesiastes and much more in the Bible ( I’m thinking parts of Proverbs).

I’ve been asking myself why I care so much about other people’s opinion. I know the truth. I have a fear of being unloved. Most people want to feel like they belong. I am afraid I don’t, so I act fake all the time because I think other people want me to be that certain way. I can’t live that way anymore. I’m ready for a change.

It didn’t go so well today but as a start, I didn’t get angry at myself for being consumed by another task. It’s just life. I’m going to start my day by making something. I’m kind of excited.

I also hope my writing gets better. Ever since I got into design, I have found it difficult to express myself through words.

I’ve Lost my Priorities

Photo by Jess Vide from Pexels

I had a realization today:

I have not achieved any of my goals, because I’ve made them someone else’s.

Here’s the sad truth, I’ve been wanting to move to China, because someone I know is there. It’s not the only reason why I want to move to China, but it has become the primary reason why I want to go. And when you have a reason like that, it’s the wrong reason to do anything.

I thought of everything I want to do and it came to light that I don’t do anything I truly want. I have always placed someone else first. Like that time I moved back to Hong Kong. I did it because I thought my ex was moving back to Asia. It wasn’t because I wanted to be close to him or get back with him, but I just wanted to make sure my chances were just as good as his.

Who am I kidding, I wanted to keep some sort of connection to him. (Note: I got over it).

OK. Let me back track my thoughts a bit. I think I was missing human connection because I have been feeling so alone, but all I do is think about myself. I don’t want to anymore. I just want to do my part in the world and not be a selfish, greedy, shallow person. Of course there are temptations in the world, but I want more to do good than fill my own cup up.

Here, for the rest of the week, let me dedicate myself to who I truly want to be for NOBODY ELSE other than me.

Anyone else feeling the same?

I will report back on Saturday. Tell me your story.

A little sad.

I still haven’t recovered from feeling awful. I’m not sure why that is. I just feel aimless and that I am not getting anywhere in life. No matter what I do, it’s not giving me the results I want. All I understand is that I am doing something wrong, but the frustration stems from not knowing what I’m doing wrong. I am also very tired. I’ve been trying to figure out this problem everyday, I just want a break from it.

Worse of all is that I feel lonely. I feel like no one gets me. I cannot be upset in front of people because they will get annoyed. I cannot go up to anyone and say, “I feel sad and frustrated” and have them say back to me, “I know you’re having a tough time, but you will also figure it out. It’s ok to feel this way” and then give me a hug. I really just want a hug.

From most of my life, I have been alone. I’ve gone to every one of my close friends’ weddings alone. I’ve spent Valentine’s day with someone only once. He was a jerk to me. I think the worse feeling is that when I am happy, I have no one to share it with. I’m not saying my friends and family suck, but there are things they won’t be as excited as me about them–and I just want that person who would be.

Sigh.

But right now is not the time to mope. I need to figure my life out so I can be financially independent, alone or not. I feel like I can’t breathe.

What I want to do most is to move to a place where no one knows me and start over.

Oops, was just on Reddit and saw this:

Phewww. I am feeling a huge sense of relief. How did I not think of this? Life is just life.