I haven’t dropped by for a few days because I let my fear set in.
The fear of being not good enough.
It’s always that one.
OK. I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve wanted to be so many things to impress other people and I think that’s how I grew up selecting my discipline. I decided I wanted to be a designer not only because I like to make things, but I thought it was so ‘cool’. Designers look so cool. The stuff in their head becomes tangible, it’s like magic. If I wasn’t so greedy for this type of success, I would’ve let my fear keep me away from that career. In this case, my greed overpowered my fear.
I don’t regret it but I am not recommending have lust so strong it dictates your actions. It wasn’t a sustainable plan of action, because now I am back to my basics of living a fear-driven life. My fear of not measuring up is CONSUMING my every thought, making me panic and unable to focus.
I try not to write so negatively or share too many negative thoughts because I’m afraid it will just give you negative energy.
But please know that I am taking actions to get out of that lifestyle/set of habits/pattern of thinking–whatever you call it.
Here are a few things I will be testing out in the next few week:
1. Saying bye to IG on my phone
I’m not sure if I am lying about this one yet, because some of the work I do requires IG. I also enjoy the interaction I have on this platform, but I am seeing more clearly how it fuels comparison in my mind. I begin to covet, but there’s gotta be a way to not do that…is there?
2. Dress up for the day
This is something I wanted to do for a long time and for a very particular reason, I’ve been feeling dam stupid about it. Thinking about it actually makes me anxious. It sounds ridiculous but I won’t be sharing my personal reasons with you on this one. I think it’s a combination of laziness and fear.
3. Do it because I feel like it
Ah, this one. I’ve struggled with this one all my life and I’m sure you do too. How often do we shut down a thought or action because we’re told it’s wrong. I’m not encouraging unethical behavior. That is off limits. I’m talking about not doing something because of how someone else might react.
For example, I didn’t study Korean out loud (it makes a huge difference in language learning), because I didn’t want people to think I wasn’t over my ex (he’s Korean). I didn’t want to look stupid, but I really enjoyed learning it. I’m happy to report I have gotten over that fear and my learning progress has improved immensely.
What I’d like to do is apply this attitude to design, YouTube and this blog (doing it right now! Writing this post ‘cuz I ‘felt like it). I’m sure life will be more and more exciting as I exercise this thing (can’t think of a word now).
Anywho, I am blanking out and can’t think of more. If I do, maybe I will update it here or on a new post.