Scattered & Scared & It’s OK

I haven’t dropped by for a few days because I let my fear set in.

The fear of being not good enough.

It’s always that one.

OK. I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve wanted to be so many things to impress other people and I think that’s how I grew up selecting my discipline. I decided I wanted to be a designer not only because I like to make things, but I thought it was so ‘cool’. Designers look so cool. The stuff in their head becomes tangible, it’s like magic. If I wasn’t so greedy for this type of success, I would’ve let my fear keep me away from that career. In this case, my greed overpowered my fear.

I don’t regret it but I am not recommending have lust so strong it dictates your actions. It wasn’t a sustainable plan of action, because now I am back to my basics of living a fear-driven life. My fear of not measuring up is CONSUMING my every thought, making me panic and unable to focus.

I try not to write so negatively or share too many negative thoughts because I’m afraid it will just give you negative energy.

But please know that I am taking actions to get out of that lifestyle/set of habits/pattern of thinking–whatever you call it.

Here are a few things I will be testing out in the next few week:

1. Saying bye to IG on my phone

I’m not sure if I am lying about this one yet, because some of the work I do requires IG. I also enjoy the interaction I have on this platform, but I am seeing more clearly how it fuels comparison in my mind. I begin to covet, but there’s gotta be a way to not do that…is there?

2. Dress up for the day

This is something I wanted to do for a long time and for a very particular reason, I’ve been feeling dam stupid about it. Thinking about it actually makes me anxious. It sounds ridiculous but I won’t be sharing my personal reasons with you on this one. I think it’s a combination of laziness and fear.

3. Do it because I feel like it

Ah, this one. I’ve struggled with this one all my life and I’m sure you do too. How often do we shut down a thought or action because we’re told it’s wrong. I’m not encouraging unethical behavior. That is off limits. I’m talking about not doing something because of how someone else might react.
For example, I didn’t study Korean out loud (it makes a huge difference in language learning), because I didn’t want people to think I wasn’t over my ex (he’s Korean). I didn’t want to look stupid, but I really enjoyed learning it. I’m happy to report I have gotten over that fear and my learning progress has improved immensely.
What I’d like to do is apply this attitude to design, YouTube and this blog (doing it right now! Writing this post ‘cuz I ‘felt like it). I’m sure life will be more and more exciting as I exercise this thing (can’t think of a word now).

Anywho, I am blanking out and can’t think of more. If I do, maybe I will update it here or on a new post.

How do you tackle the feeling of “not being good enough”?

My Favorite ‘Non-Design’ Design Books

I thought I’d share another ‘old’ video with you today.

These are books that got me excited because I thought these were good books to introduce how a designer/creative mind works that was not through a textbook.

Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki

I shared this yesterday and made a video for that a few years ago.
I like this book because it reminds us to focus on the essentials. Design is about essentials–just the right amount of communication, function and personality to serve its user. Think Dieter Rams for Braun.


The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

I absolutely love this book that I ended up buying it so I could take notes. It’s about a young architect who doesn’t bend towards others’ expectations and stays true to himself even when people mock his designs (that’s what I got out of it). I have found a lot of it very motivating. We can’t keep pleasing other people because of their expectations.


The Girl Before by JP Delaney

This is a thriller and that’s why it was so much fun to read. The core of this book is not about design, but I love that the author got all those design details right. He gave this beautiful example about how design can change our behavior through a staircase. He explained how that staircase has not handle so whoever is walking had to slow down and be extremely cautious as they head down the stairs. I love this because that is exactly what design does. It affects how we behave and definitely has the power to encourage us to act a certain way.
Anyway, I got carried away, but I believe those who love design will enjoy these bits of detail.

I hope you enjoyed this selection. Have you read any of these mentioned books before? I have included links to the books if you were interested.

I am reading the first two for the second time right now. I am also considering purchasing Goodbye, Things so I can take notes. Do you do that?

What ‘Social Media’ means to me

I feel like I’ve been offline for a very long time. Of course I still use it, but I stopped sharing. I’ve stopped sharing online and offline. I stopped talking to most of my friends because I felt so suffocated by my own mind.

You see, I used to post on YouTube. And Instagram. (Linking, in case you’re curious).

Here’s a screenshot of some of the videos I have posted.

Unfortunately, I got caught up in likes, subscribers, followers, money, and algorithms. I ended being inconsistent, giving up, trying again, and hating myself. Eventually, I shut down.

This is not what social media is about.

Now in the midst of the pandemic, there are more courses than ever, promising people that they can make money with social media, grow to 10k followers, and quit their full time jobs for good.

But, since when was “social media” about…money making?

I feel tired of that information and I feel tired of myself thinking that way too.

In the past few weeks, I have thought about why I want to share and have come up with three purposes to exist on social media:

1. Making Friends

I love my friends. I can go months or years without talking to them, but when we do, we pick it up like no time has passed.
But all my friends are different. No single one person is interested in every topic I like (that’s why we are all ‘unique’ :D). Not everyone cares about Chinese History or that we can injection-mold a part without designing in drafts. I’d like to meet more people so I can have those variety of conversations.

2. Being Helpful

We’re all good human beings. Innately, we want to do good. This is where we derive our purpose from. Everyone is equipped with a variety of experiences and knowledge. We can all contribute back to the world. How can we help? So, I ask myself, “how can I help?”

Sharing Interesting Things

When we know something is good, we want to share with the world. That’s why we take the time to write reviews, tell our friends where the discounts are and why our moms buy us the latest health-craze supplements. When I see something good, I want to share it too.

So in the next few weeks, you can expect content that serves this purpose. I’ll do my best to not get distracted by my self-doubt, fears, and jealousy of other people’s success (these are all very real things we face everyday).

See you in the next one.

Learning Minimalism Again

I am planning to buy the book Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki during Black Friday, if it’s possible.

In the mean time after I publish this post, I’ll be picking the book up at the library. I have it on hold and it’s ready.

I’ve read it before. I want to read it again. I learned a lot from it, but need to review.

This book helped clear my mind and showed me how to prioritize my life.

If you’re interested in my video review of it, please watch below:

If you don’t want to watch it, well, here are the lessons:

  1. Less things, more money
  2. Less things, more time
  3. Less things, more happy

I highly recommend reading this book.

The author is coming out with Hello, Habits on January 5, 2021.

No luck today

I started this morning with quite a lot of enthusiasm. I thought I was going to finish everything on my to do list. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Enter

I spent all day working on one task. I ended up neglecting my creative task – something that gives me life. I keep placing other people’s tasks before my joys and it is beginning to drain me.

But. I believe things will change. I started reading about Stoicism. It’s actually very similar to Ecclesiastes and much more in the Bible ( I’m thinking parts of Proverbs).

I’ve been asking myself why I care so much about other people’s opinion. I know the truth. I have a fear of being unloved. Most people want to feel like they belong. I am afraid I don’t, so I act fake all the time because I think other people want me to be that certain way. I can’t live that way anymore. I’m ready for a change.

It didn’t go so well today but as a start, I didn’t get angry at myself for being consumed by another task. It’s just life. I’m going to start my day by making something. I’m kind of excited.

I also hope my writing gets better. Ever since I got into design, I have found it difficult to express myself through words.

“Fresh”

Photo by Willian Justen de Vasconcellos, https://unsplash.com/photos/VgRyLtxFoOw

Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my blog officially has its own domain!

Welcome to thisisdor.com

I’m not sure how to manage this space yet or what I want to do with it, but I am enjoying sharing some thoughts at the end of my day.

I haven’t yet sat down to think about what I truly want in life, but one thing I know for sure is that I’ve been chasing too hard and I want to stop. In the last few days, I have freed myself from pleasing others and making decisions for people who don’t exist in my life.

Now I’m going to go think.

Looking forward to being me,
dor

PS, I will clean up the theme in the next few weeks 😀

I’ve Lost my Priorities

Photo by Jess Vide from Pexels

I had a realization today:

I have not achieved any of my goals, because I’ve made them someone else’s.

Here’s the sad truth, I’ve been wanting to move to China, because someone I know is there. It’s not the only reason why I want to move to China, but it has become the primary reason why I want to go. And when you have a reason like that, it’s the wrong reason to do anything.

I thought of everything I want to do and it came to light that I don’t do anything I truly want. I have always placed someone else first. Like that time I moved back to Hong Kong. I did it because I thought my ex was moving back to Asia. It wasn’t because I wanted to be close to him or get back with him, but I just wanted to make sure my chances were just as good as his.

Who am I kidding, I wanted to keep some sort of connection to him. (Note: I got over it).

OK. Let me back track my thoughts a bit. I think I was missing human connection because I have been feeling so alone, but all I do is think about myself. I don’t want to anymore. I just want to do my part in the world and not be a selfish, greedy, shallow person. Of course there are temptations in the world, but I want more to do good than fill my own cup up.

Here, for the rest of the week, let me dedicate myself to who I truly want to be for NOBODY ELSE other than me.

Anyone else feeling the same?

I will report back on Saturday. Tell me your story.

A little sad.

I still haven’t recovered from feeling awful. I’m not sure why that is. I just feel aimless and that I am not getting anywhere in life. No matter what I do, it’s not giving me the results I want. All I understand is that I am doing something wrong, but the frustration stems from not knowing what I’m doing wrong. I am also very tired. I’ve been trying to figure out this problem everyday, I just want a break from it.

Worse of all is that I feel lonely. I feel like no one gets me. I cannot be upset in front of people because they will get annoyed. I cannot go up to anyone and say, “I feel sad and frustrated” and have them say back to me, “I know you’re having a tough time, but you will also figure it out. It’s ok to feel this way” and then give me a hug. I really just want a hug.

From most of my life, I have been alone. I’ve gone to every one of my close friends’ weddings alone. I’ve spent Valentine’s day with someone only once. He was a jerk to me. I think the worse feeling is that when I am happy, I have no one to share it with. I’m not saying my friends and family suck, but there are things they won’t be as excited as me about them–and I just want that person who would be.

Sigh.

But right now is not the time to mope. I need to figure my life out so I can be financially independent, alone or not. I feel like I can’t breathe.

What I want to do most is to move to a place where no one knows me and start over.

Oops, was just on Reddit and saw this:

Phewww. I am feeling a huge sense of relief. How did I not think of this? Life is just life.

His Good, Pleasing and Perfect Will

Photo by Sergi Ferrete on Unsplash

I’ve been thinking almost all day today. I thought about what my passions were–what I wanted to do in life. I’ve been feeling very hurt lately, because I felt like I have lost myself in pursuits. These were pursuits I didn’t believe in and it tugged at my core. It weighed me down.

So as I sit here, almost 10pm right now, I am reminded to stop chasing approval, to stop impressing others.

My friend shared the following Bible verse with me:

Romans 12:2 (NIV)

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Why was I chasing sales? Why was I chasing glory from people? It broke my heart to realize I strayed away from God again. That is why I have been feeling empty on the inside, drained and blinded to my journey.

I will no longer chase success, money, fame. I will prioritize loving others without expecting a return. I will help the disadvantaged, women, and children. I will love God.

The only way to be free is to stop being bound by the need of love from others, but to surrender to God. He asks nothing of us, but to love Him, to love others.

Creating is My Energy

I woke up this morning feeling awful. Very awful. I felt hopeless, lost, and useless. These are very dangerous feelings to feel. I think you have experienced them too.

It completely paralyzed me today. I couldn’t get anything on my to-do list done. I staggered. I tried to do ‘things’. It felt like a day wasted.

It wasn’t until later afternoon, around 3pm or 4pm when the breeze kept brushing against my face like a pick-me-up saying, “move, move” did I get to work.

I grabbed my jewelry making tools and committed to one of my ideas. I made one pair of earrings for my shop, pictured above. In the midst of creating, I found my energy.

I know I love to make things. As a scraggy little kid, all I wanted to do was make arts and crafts, build Lego and complete my puzzles. It was exciting to watch something come to life, by my own hands. As I got older, I diverged into memorizing text, information, things I didn’t care much about. It made education a pain and I swore to never to go back to school.

It wasn’t until I decided to pick up a sewing class that I realized I had to create. I’ve created many things over the years. From YouTube videos, fashion items, furniture and businesses, but I never stuck to one long enough to make it into something.

I’m trying again today. To stick to jewelry. To commit to this blog. I really want to get back on YouTube. I really want to share my thoughts.

From my painful years after college to being in a condescending relationship, creating always gave me the comfort I needed.

I will be accountable for myself this time around. I don’t want to give up, because I don’t want to turn back.

If you ever feel pain in your heart, please DM me on Instagram @sy.dor. I understand how lonely it can be when there is no one to talk to near you.